but a blog will have to do
so yeah... those two words have begun a lot more than just my first article on a blog. they have ended a lot. they end silence, begin intamacy that should have never started, long nights on coke and playing cards, and long nights feeling insane and sleepless. those are just some examples of why i need a doctor. unfortunitly i'm a writer, and i cant just talk to people, especially not doctors. i need to write. hopefully this will save me because nothing else has, except for one person Andy. my best friend and fiend. i went to a shrink once. i was sent there after i almost died from an OD and i just fucked with him the whole time. i would go to my sessions just wired and sit there with a smile on my face and tell him that i havent "touched that shit in weeks". i thought it was funny. but its not. now i live in a different city with my sister away from my parents who now love me more than ever. its what i expected. but what i didnt expect was for my fucking sister to hold my hand while i was dying and tell me we are going to move and get away and be happy, and then when we get here, tellin me im fucking stupid and crazy. if she only knew that she was most of the reason why i was lying on that death bed, i wonder how she would feel. that is something i will never tell her though because, unlike her i do not get pleasure out of hurting people and making them feel guilty. so now, this is my life,new city completely flakey, college complete with loan, condo complete with mortage, employment complete with boss who makes moves on me, and existance incomplete without anyone who gives a shit. for some one who has been alone most of her life, this type of existance is really starting to get to me. maniquine in a trophy case, covered in grafitti and a bloody nose. leeking secrets and pieces to passerbys. asking give me a reason to love you. who wants that? is there anyone out there who does? if so, i havent found them yet. and i think i will expire before i do. so for anyone who is "fortunate" enough to stumble across this WELCOME to my life. there will be more where this shit came from.